Online Dating Tips

This is a first draft excerpt from a book I’m writing in my spare time. It’s a compilation of chapters on a totally unrelated range of subjects.

And it's the truth... mostly.

This following is from a chapter called “Dating”.
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Online Dating:

When required to list your "Intent", do NOT select, "I want a relationship" !!

How many times in your life have you ever fallen in love when that was your objective?

While on this site, how many successful relationships have you had since your stated "Intent" was, "I want a relationship" ... Exactly!

Suppose a "hot" guy you've never met, walked up and introduced himself...

Would you say, "Hi there handsome! Before I have the opportunity to tell you my name, much less anything about me, I want you to know that I'm looking for a long term relationship.”?

You know you'd never drop THAT bomb, THAT soon, in the "real" world.

So why would you do it on a dating site in front of thousands of potential partners?

Are you crazy? You'll spook any man worth having!

You gotta' let on like a relationship is the last thing on your mind.

Even if "Mr. Dreamy" asks if you want a relationship, your FIRST answer is, "Are you crazy? A relationship is the last thing on my mind!"

Practice saying this with a wild-eyed, incredulous look on your face while you're putting on your make-up for your shopping trip. (Shopping trip?)

And make sure you edit your, "Intent" field to one of the "Dating" options.

Take your pick...

Option A, "I want to date but nothing serious", is code for, "nobody gets naked"

Option 'B", "I'm looking for casual dating/no commitment" leaves the possibility open for debate.

Now let's go find you a relationship, girl!!

The Grocery Store:

First, splurge on a fresh manicure and pedicure.

Now shimmy yourself into a pair of jeans that flatter your figure, wear a top that's tastefully revealing, and then slip into some classy sandals with at least 2 1/2 inch heels.

High heels jack up your rear-end like a 70's muscle car... guys dig both of these items.

Oh, don't forget to dab on a little of your most seductive scent... but go easy! A scent should linger at your departure, but not shout-out your arrival.

You're headed to the place that's brings more potential couples together than all the dating sites combined...the grocery store.

Look for a rich target, (oops, Freudian slip!)...I meant to say "target rich" environment … around Charlotte that’s the Tajma-Teeter… corner of Morrison Blvd and Sharon Rd, at Southpark.

A grocery store has everything a guy wants in one place, food, alcohol, and women. It's the perfect venue for a hook-up... packed with single men that don't have a clue............. of how to flirt in a grocery store.

“Can I buy you a drink?”, or “Would you like to dance?”, have a low success rate in the Harris Teeter.

So instead, they'll ask you serious stupid questions like, "Do I have to put fabric strips in the dryer, or can I thrown them in with the wash?"

Or humorous stupid questions like, "Why do they call it the produce section when there's nothing here but fruits and vegetables?"

If there’s an attraction, quickly decide if the dope's question is serious or humorous.

If serious, answer with the straightest face you can muster… don’t try too hard, or you’ll appear to have gas.

If you’re SURE it’s a joke, then laugh. But don’t titter… it will annoy your audience.

Imagine how it'll make you feel having men asking YOU directions for a change!

One other thing… to instantly squelch an unwelcome advance, just give him that, “I SAID I have a headache…” look.

But be careful, or you’ll repel all potential suitors within range of the blast.

Fail-safe First Meeting:

Whether your initial engagement with "your" man is in a grocery store, at a funeral, or anywhere else… just remember these two sentences:

1) "That's interesting." and 2) "And then what happened?"

Everybody's favorite subject, especially successful men, is themselves. So whenever, or wherever you meet your quarry for the first time, prime the conversation by asking him a question, "What do you do?", "Do you know anyone here?", "Did the deceased owe you money too?"... Any question will do to get him talking.

The first time he pauses, say "That's interesting."

At the next break, "And then what happened"

Alter your voice inflections appropriately, and you can ask, "And then what happened?" at least twice, one more if you toss an, "Oh my God!" in there.

Here's the important part... After no more than 5 minutes, ask the time, tell him you enjoyed meeting him, then excuse yourself, and leave without looking back.

Now your man thinks he's watching the most interesting woman in the room walk out of his life forever ...(and he's right!)

If he doesn't ask you for your number now, he will seek you out later.

If not, then he's obviously not the man you thought he was!

Note: Please do not couple, "Oh my God!" with, "That's interesting." or you will leave the opposite impression.

Advantages of ADD

More and more adults are being diagnosed with ADD, Attention Deficit Disorder. There's been a lot of negative press written about it. But, ADD does have it's advantages.

People with ADD have the ability to multi-task. Which means they can do a lot of things at the same time. But, they also procrastinate. Which means that they can do a lot of things at the same time…later.

To folks with ADD, the Latin term, “carpe diem” means, “seize tomorrow!”

Some ADD patients have an inability to focus on the task at hand…eyeglasses help.

People with ADD are disorganized. But they save a lot of time that would otherwise be wasted making plans.

It’s not unusual for ADD patients to start talking about one subject, switch topics in mid-sentence, drop several rapid-fire ideas in succession, then bring it all back together to a close with the original subject.

Take for example, the “USA Today” newspaper. Shouldn’t they call it, “USA Yesterday?”

Breaking news, the FDA has just approved the latest, high tech “escape” drug, the temporary amnesia pill.

Addiction is impossible because users can’t remember why they can’t remember.

And the 2nd Amendment is always popping up, “The Right to Bear Arms.” It’s such a stupid thing to argue about. The right to bear arms is practically a birthright…especially here in the South. I don’t know about you, but nobody is going to tell me, whether I can or can’t wear a short-sleeve shirt!

Let me conclude by saying that ADD does have a lot of life enhancing advantages; but only if it's managed properly. So, if you think you may have ADD, don't let it go untreated.

Take immediate action and call your health care professional RIGHT NOW!If you just picked up your receiver to place that call, hang it back up. You don’t have anything to worry about.

So what if you do?

You can always call tomorrow!

Evolution versus Intelligent Design

Evolution versus Intelligent Design…

What difference does it make anyway?

It don’t…which makes it just as much a hot topic amongst the regular grade scholars as well as us intellectuals.

Biblically speaking, here’s my revelation.

What if evolution is part of the intelligent design?

Let’s not stop with evolution. We might as well go on and mosh the “big bang” theory in there to boot. Somebody had to light the fuse, didn’t they?

Besides, I’ve always been a little suspicious about the term, “intelligent design” anyway, haven’t you?

Didn’t God say that he made man in his image?

Judging by the health of the arguments made by the folks sittin’ on both benches of this debate, God might not be as smart as we think He is…

Either that or some of His “images” done the “designing” after the fact and pinned the blame on Him.

Something else, I’m not aiming to be disrespectful to the Almighty, but I don't believe for one second that God created everything in a week.

It’s not a case of, “How could He?”

I reckon that anybody important enough to sport a capital pronoun right in the middle of a sentence can do anything He wants!

No…”Why would He?” is the thing.

God invented time! If He found Himself running a little short, He could just whip up another batch.

There ain’t no alarm clocks in heaven!

I bet God takes a couple of million years just to read the sports section of The New York Times… on a weekday!

And another thing I know for sure. God never intended for the Bible to be an account of the history of the world.

He had to leave something for man to lie about.

But the Book of Genesis is fodder for the greatest debate. And, if you want to pick an argument with the Bible, you have to start with Genesis.

Think about it. For a book that ain’t got but fifty pages, Genesis covers a lot of ground, from the creation of everything living or dead in the infinite universe, to populating the Middle East and trying to drive the Israelis out of town. (Big mistake… You’d a thought they’d a found somebody a little bit easier to tackle than God’s chosen people?)

Here’s the thing…

When God told Adam and Eve to, “be fruitful and multiply”…they took him seriously and commenced to begat like crazy through about ten more chapters. And when they petered out, the fruits of their labor continued the tradition until they had fertilized a crescent and made a mess of Potamia doing it.

The word,”no” hadn’t made an appearance yet. (Noah’s wife finally invented it when her hubby insisted on going back to get that pair of flies he forgot.)

Men was even still asking their wives for directions! “I’m lost honey. Do you know the way to Cairo?”

Well, even though it’s been rumored for thousands of years, it took Einstein and his theory of relativity to actually prove we was all kin for sure.

So there you go! The “evolution” folks, and the “intelligent design” folks doing all the arguing might as well seek some common ground…because…no good ever come with fighting amongst family!

But, that’s just my opinion.


Dilfer Brainard